Nureki Chimuo Archive

Below are comments received from Mika Suzume-san regarding “Talking Theater Chapter 33” Though 13-year-old Koume is still a child, the daughter of traveling performers is no amateur. She’s a pro, you see.

It might be a way of raising children that would cause serious problems in this day and age, but perhaps it’s precisely that upbringing that allows her to perform arts that amateurs couldn’t possibly imitate…. That was my thought, but what drew me in the most was the part starting with: “The pleasure with Koume was delightful, yet terrifying to me as a boy.” I understand that feeling perfectly. Around the time of transition from boyhood to young adulthood, sexual matters become strangely terrifying. The tug-of-war between the desire to seek and the desire not to seek, it somehow resembles SM, doesn’t it? After my first experiences with women, gay encounters, and my introduction to SM, I also tasted that kind of “pleasure tinged with danger” during my adolescence. For me, it was an indescribable feeling, a jumble of conflicting emotion. The urge to push them away, knowing this was wrong, and the sweet temptation to drown in it even more. I sometimes find myself suddenly remembering those days when songs popular from back then came on at karaoke or elsewhere. When I get lost in those memories, I sometimes feel the bittersweet, fluttering excitement from my youth all over again. Right now I’m doing things far more risque than that, but the excitement is lower compared to back then… or rather, it’s more accurate to say there’s none at all, isn’t it… Looking back now, I realize I didn’t need to feel so guilty. But that sense of guilt, paired with the thrill of danger, even now, feels like a treasure to me. This time, “Koume’s red-rice grain nipples” brought back those precious memories of mine, and it made me feel incredibly happy. Thank you very much.

A Letter from Nureki Chimuo to Mika Suzume

To Mika Suzume-san. From Nureki Chimuo.

Thank you for reading the “Talking Theater.” I’m delighted you’ve read the thirty-third chapter. I haven’t written any explicit scenes involving SM in the last few installments, so I’m sure those who enjoy such descriptions must be bored. But honestly, it’s because of instructions from my manager, R-san. I have no choice.

No, I shouldn’t say things like “it can’t be helped.” R-san would scold me. I’m writing because I have the desire to write; without that, I couldn’t possibly write. By writing about this era, I believe my subsequent SM experiences will come to life. Whenever I write this sort of “resume” or “memoir,” R-san always says, “good, good, this is fine, it’s interesting,” and seems pleased. Perhaps R-san, too, is laying the groundwork by exposing my various youthful embarrassments, aiming for the effect of the later, more extreme (though I don’t particularly think it’s extreme), direct descriptions of mine. She’s probably working behind the scenes, trying to add a bit of weight to the flow of my frivolous writing. Even so, I can only admire Mika Suzume-san's consistently astute reading and sharp intuition. Every time, you pinpoint the very passages where I pour my heart into the writing, delve deeply into them, and send me your thoughts. As an author, I couldn’t ask for a more grateful reader. On stage, when an actor strikes a pose at the seven-three point of the hanamichi, seizing the moment, they call out without missing that instant, truly a connoisseur among the audience. The core of the thirty-third chapter lies in the “sweet terror of pleasure tinged with crisis” experienced by the boy. Without conveying this, the entire work would become a mere “reminiscence.” In each instance, Mika Sensei keenly and accurately discerns what I am trying to convey and what my intent is. For a writer, nothing is more gratifying. And nothing demands greater vigilance. For if I let my guard down and write carelessly, it will be seen through immediately. Having readers like Mika Suzume-san truly motivates us writers. It sharpens our focus. Thank you very much.