Nureki Chimuo Archive

Regarding the 18th chapter of this “Talking Theater” series, “Isn’t that model an enthusiast?” I received a letter of “protest” via fax from Rakka-san. (Nowadays, maybe it’s more accurate to call it an email rather than a letter. As an analog person, I’m not quite sure. Anyway, the text typed on a computer was sent via fax. Since I’m a writer, I barely keep a fax machine with a phone attached just to send my manuscripts. This fax machine is always acting up, and I’m constantly causing trouble for my manager, R-san.) No, it’s not really something that warrants being called a “protest.” Her counterarguments were regarding the slight difference in our respective opinions during the conversations and in my interpretation. The email Rakka-san sent via fax is introduced next. Along the way, I- that is, Nureki- may insert my own annotations or impressions. When I do, I’ll put them in parentheses. Readers may find this somewhat bothersome, but I ask for your understanding. Now, a letter from Rakka-san. “(Omitted)... Next I would like to write about some points that I think are slightly different from those of ‘Rakka-san.’” (I’ll insert a note here already. The “I” in her letter refers to Rakka-san herself, while the part written in double quotation marks as “Rakka-san” is what I, that is Nureki, wrote = described = “Rakka-san.” Ah, this is complicated. Will the reader understand? The actual Rakka-san is writing that what I wrote about “Rakka-san” is “different from what I said.” In other words, I (Nureki) am misunderstanding.)

“First, regarding the line from the 17th chapter of ‘Talking Theater,’ ‘After seeing that awful photo, and then…,’ where Rakka-san says ‘Since models get paid, they have to make appropriate expressions and meet the sponsors’ expectations.’ I don’t particularly like this statement from Rakka-san, who seems to pigeonhole the profession of ‘model.’” (Note by Nureki. Rakka-san says she doesn’t like the “Rakka-san” written by myself. That means the “Rakka-san” I am writing about isn’t Rakka-san herself, and isn't the real Rakka-san. This is complicated, after all. I wonder if the readers will understand. But I can’t stop here. I’ll keep going.) “For me, models represent something far more unknown and unfamiliar, and everything I say is pure ‘imagination’. It’s nothing more than my own personal “impression,” and I have no intention of stating any kind of ‘it must be this way’ determinism. As for the content, what I told you at the station had a slightly different nuance in mind.” (Note from Nureki. I’ve almost forgotten what she told me at that bar in front of the station. I’m sorry. I often have chances to chat with her at coffee shops, restaurants, or bars. The topics are always exclusively about “SM.” She usually takes the lead, digging deep into the issues and asking questions with real passion. I respond, but to be honest, I’m usually just staring blankly, mesmerized by her vivid, troubled, captivating expression at the time, so I don’t remember much of the content. Sorry!) “I did indeed say, ‘I don’t think models are ‘pitiful,’’ but the reason for that is that I believe gravure photography not just the photographer and editor, but also the model, who possesses equal power as an artist. Sensei said, ‘Models don’t have that kind of power,’ but I can’t help but want to believe that those who deliberately choose modelling as a profession possess a certain pride in ‘expressing themselves for others to see.’ It might be just a theoretical idea, but I can’t help thinking that gravure is a ‘work of art’ created by everyone who possesses the ‘sensitivity to express SM.’ I don’t know if the actual photo shoot environment is such a place, but I wish it were. And if it is, then sympathizing solely with the model as ‘pitiful’ feels like shirking responsibility as a creator/artist; essentially positioning them as inferior, or lacking equal power. It strikes me as disrespectful to professionals in expression.

Before, you wrote to me about a model named ‘U-san.’ You mentioned she was a model you met during your photo shoot, and that she was a truly excellent model who genuinely enjoyed being tied up. In response to that letter, I wrote down my own thoughts and imaginings about ‘a model’s sense of shame’. Though I wrote that letter about half a year ago, it expresses almost exactly what I feel now. Since it was an electronic letter, the data remains exactly as it was on my computer. I’ll quote that text here (though it is quite lengthy.) --(omitted)... The model’s story about shame really made me think. I can only imagine, but even if you’re wearing clothes and keeping your legs tightly closed, I don’t think you could do a job where you’re tied up and photographed in public if you had even a hint of shame. If being bound is part of the responsible ‘job’ of modeling, then elevating that emotion to a level of expression is what makes one a professional, and I feel that connects to one’s own pride (it might sound idealistic, but if it were me, I’d want it to be that way; otherwise, I couldn’t do it). However, I also believe that one’s entire life experience inevitably seeps into their work. I think true expression stems from the shame that person inherently feels. Whether that shame can be sublimated into an expression grounded in intelligence, rather than mere acting as a ‘lie,’ depends on that person’s own way of life and their imagination. What you wrote in your letter about ‘expressing not just the surface of the suffering woman, but her innermost feelings’ applies not only to the photographer but to the model herself. Recently, I finally became a member of Sugiura Sensei’s website and watched the behind-the-scenes videos (short clips) distributed there. Without any criticism or denial, I simply realized modelling is impossible for me. Absolutely impossible. Unless it’s voyeurism, I believe bondage photography is still an ‘artwork,’ and modeling is a ‘job.’ I realized modeling is an incredible profession. In such an intense environment, I realized that if I kept feeling tense, fumbling around, and panicking based solely on my personal emotions, it would only cause trouble for everyone else. To immerse myself in that world at that moment, I felt it was a job that could only be done with passion, reason, and intelligence strong enough to overcome any sense of shame.”

(Note by Nureki. Rakka-san’s writing in this section is truly masterful. The expression “overcoming shame to such an extent–” is particularly brilliant. I agree completely. However, in the case of real-life models, it’s not reason or intellect that overcomes their shame. To put it plainly, what overcomes their shame on our shoots is endurance, and to put it even more bluntly, it’s their masochistic tendencies. Without masochism and endurance, one couldn’t endure being a model for Sugiura’s eight-hour shoots. To put it bluntly, possessing intellect or reason would make it impossible to be Sugiura’s model. I don’t want this to be misunderstood- this is my heartfelt praise for the models who come to Sugiura’s shoots. I’m always amazed and astonished by their physical and mental resilience. It’s only natural Rakka-san writes, “This work I could never do.” I’m always silently gasping, “Amazing!” inside my head. I’m forbidden from speaking aloud on this set. Apparently, I’m not supposed to be here at all. It seems my voice getting into the footage is unacceptable. So I’m always screaming “Amazing!” inside my head. I’ve experienced this kind of scene so many times it’s almost embarrassing to admit. I’ve assisted with filming under every conceivable circumstance. And yet, it’s the work of cameraman Sugiura over this past year that makes even me say “Amazing!”) “I didn’t want them to be forced into it; if they chose modeling as a career themselves, I wanted them to use their imagination to express the aesthetics they aspired to. If they were so-called M women, I wanted them to fully embrace that proud sense of themselves, that attraction to a world of suffering that was both pitiable and melancholy. I don’t believe you need to abandon your sense of shame just because it's work. On the contrary, I felt that if it’s work, you must consciously embrace it even more intensely. Models who possess the sensitivity to immerse themselves in the world of rope bondage already have remarkable qualities. Even if it stems from an exhibitionist inclination, I believe that is itself a happy quality that absolutely becomes a strength.” (Note from Nureki: That’s right. That’s exactly it, Rakka-san. Just because it’s work doesn’t mean you have to abandon your sense of shame at all. I apologize for suddenly changing the tone of this piece, but Rakka-san, while I am certainly drawn to your fresh, beautiful form, your clean, smooth skin texture, and the supple feel of your bones and flesh, ultimately, I, that is, Nureki Chimuo, am drawn to the “shame” you possess. For me, the natural expression of that “sense of shame” is the greatest element of that masochistic eroticism. No matter how beautiful a woman may be, if she lacks a sense of shame, she is nothing more to me than a rain-soaked cardboard box lying on the roadside. A wet, rotting cardboard box holds no eroticism. If someone finds eroticism in a wet, rotting cardboard box, well, that’s pretty amazing in its own way.

Mika Suzume-san, who always reads this “Talking Theater” and shares such kind thoughts, has once again found just the right words. “...the thrill of SM lies in the contrast, doesn’t it? Mika finds Rakka-san’s reactions - filled with such stark contrast - far more arousing than boasts about intense play like harsh suspension, wax, or whips. This feeling often goes unrecognized. In short, Mika is a pervert belonging to the same minority as Nureki Sensei.” Oh, I see… Am I “the pervert in the minority”? I’m overwhelmed. Indeed, someone like me who fixates so intensely on “shame” might well be in the minority. And then there’s Mika Suzumae-san’s sharp analytical skills and expressive power, stating definitively, “This isn’t romance - it’s SM.” This “development” is the one between me and Rakka-san, the one I’ve been writing about all along. Thank you, Mika Suzume-san. You’re absolutely right. The conversations Rakka-san and I occasionally have: “Mika Suzume-san is wonderful, isn’t she?” “She certainly is. She understands complex, nuanced SM psychology so well.” If you have any thoughts, please write again, Mika Suzume-san. I’d love to learn from you. By the way, let’s talk about “shame.” Perhaps God took pity on me because I was so consumed by shame, and brought me together with Rakka-san. Now, shifting gears again, the pure “shame” felt by Rakka-san, a woman who loves rope, never diminishes- no matter how many times we engage in bondage play together. We’ve done it about fifty times so far, yet it never wanes. It remains undiminished. “Pure” means there isn’t a shred of acting involved. In other words, there’s no such thing as “getting used to it.” For me, it’s fresh every single time. Every time, it feels like the first time.

When I get used to something, it becomes a problem for me. Once I become accustomed to the ropes and my sense of shame fades, I rapidly lose interest in the subject. This is just my personality, I lose interest completely. Rakka-san, far from growing accustomed to it, felt her shame regarding the ropes deepen with each session. The depth of that shame was extraordinary. Here again, I must lament my own lack of expressive power, but the more she was bound, the more innocent she became. This is actually the first time I’ve met someone like this. Where does this layered depth come from? Huh? What was the theme for this chapter of the “Talking Theater” again? I’ve gotten confused again. My usual wandering off track. Right, I meant to write about the “protest” letter Rakka-san gave me in the 18th chapter of “Isn’t that model an enthusiast?” Rakka-san never said anything like “Isn’t that model an enthusiast?” It was my own jump to conclusions. I’ll write about this next time. The letters Rakka-san wrote to me are still continuing. I long to hear the sound of trains running on the Saikyo Line again. That sound is good. It stirs my desire. “She murmurs, ‘ah, ah, ah,’ but her body offers no resistance. …This is SM. This isn’t romance - it’s SM.” Mika Suzume-san sure has a way with words. She’s so mature. Throughout this “Talking Theater” that will eventually reach three hundred pages, I’ve never once used words like “love” or “romance” when referring to Rakka-san. I may be a lowly third-rate hack writer, but I refuse to resort to such cheap, facile expressions. I get the feeling that Mika Suzume-san is standing beside me and Rakka-san, observing us.)